Trying to Date

Maybe I'm weird, but I like dating.  I think it's fun to spend time with a woman, and it really doesn't matter what we do, if she has a good time, I have a good time.  I like dating but I wish I could do it more often.  But I'm not very good at pursuing them.


One guy I know once said in frustration, "dating is so expensive, it's just not worth it."  I said I disagree.  So he dismissed me by saying, "you probably never had a girlfriend, you don't know how expensive it can be."  Then I said, "That wasn't the half I was disagreeing about."

People often give me advice, but it's not really the advice I need.  "You're just trying too hard.  I didn't find my wife until I quit trying to date!"  That just sounds like to me that their version of "quitting" is asking out more people than I am.

"You need to do X," they say.  "I tried X, and it worked even less than what I'm doing now."  I don't know what to do.

A few years ago, I read a book called, "It's Not You, It's Your Technique" and I felt like that one actually gave me the advice I needed.  How to actually go from first to second date, from there to more dates and a relationship.  (I used to not understand how second dates were supposed to work.)

But a big part of it is that I need to date more.  That's the one piece of advice I've always agreed with.  But I don't know how to do it.  Well, shortly after getting that book, there was a speed dating activity, so I decided to go out of my comfort zone and mark "yes" on anyone that was even marginally interesting.  The idea was that we would get an email with everyone we both wrote "yes" for.

But I didn't get single match.

The next year there was a service auction.  In the past, I'd auctioned off a date, and that went well.  That year, though, not so much.  So I couldn't help but feel like again I was rejected by everyone at once.

Then just last year, I decided to try the online dating thing.  I sent out a bunch of messages, but no one responded.  Well, one responded once, but not to a second one.  And, well, people messaged me, but I wasn't all that interested.

And I guess there's one big problem for me.  I'm not a "love-at-first-sight" kind of guy.  Which means women lose patience with me and move on long before I even realize that she is a beautiful woman.

But there are women interested in me, but I'm not interested back, and so I get frustrated at myself.  I made a girl sad last summer, and I got depressed knowing it's all my own fault.  After that, I kind of withdrew from society for a while.  But I did start going to a new Single Adult ward, but I dunno. Most everyone my age who is still single seems weird.  Or there's a reason they're still single.  But that's depressing to think about, too, because it just goes to show that I must be too weird to date, too.

But anyway, how dating usually works for me that I'll meet someone, a few months later, I'll trick myself into thinking I'm interested, then I'll ask her out.  [Edit from 2017:  More accurately, I should instead say that am interested in becoming friends and seeing where things go from there-- what I actually have to do is trick myself into thinking that they are interested in me back, and that they just don't show it because they are shy.]  Most of the time I stay interested, but those I've asked out again (after figuring out this second-dating thing) either turned me down, or expressed a lack of interest such that I wasn't able to continue tricking myself into thinking they were interested.  And it's hard to have a good time if I don't think they're having a good time.  But maybe they're just shy.  But maybe it's being pursued that makes them interested.  And that's another thing I've never been good at.

So, what does it take to trick myself?  Usually, just spending time together as friends.  We used to have dances, and that was a good way for me to realize I liked a woman.  Summer activities were a great way to spend a lot of time with others.  And also, people used to invite me over and we'd do stuff as friends.  But not anymore.  Maybe once or twice a year from my single friends, and that really isn't enough to get to know someone  Dances even less.  The summer activities have gotten shorter.  There wasn't one at all last year.

So, what can I do?  If no one is inviting me, then I'll invite them over instead!  Which I've done for the last several years, but besides a couple people, I don't feel like I made any friends in my last ward, so it's frustrating.  Last year, I tried other things besides board games, but nobody at all came to movie nights, dinner nights, or hikes, so I gave up and went back to board games, because at least my close friends come to those.

Quality Time is my Love Language, and I find that without being able to spend time together, I find that it is getting harder and harder to trick myself into thinking I'm interested in anyone.  Or that anyone is interested in me.  And that's a problem.

I think maybe the only thing that is left is to skip the tricking myself that I'm interested, and just ask out women that I'm not interested in.  I don't see how that would work, but it's pretty much the only thing I haven't tried.