At the beginning of the year, I was feeling pretty optimistic about my future. I felt like I had gotten over my frustrations with myself from a few years back, that I liked myself and that I could be attractive to women that I was attracted to. I knew that in order to be confident and assertive, all I had to do was to be social every day, and that dating would come naturally. For the most part, things were working well, but then March hit, and we were supposed to keep our distance from others, and so just like that, all my plans disappeared, and I'm left alone, and I can't help but feel that it's all my own fault that I can't follow through with plans on getting a girlfriend. I don't expect anyone to read this, but writing helps.
Too often this year, I've just been thinking about where I went wrong, instead of focusing on things that I did right. Sometimes I have people to talk to, but I'm usually just alone. I just want to write about my feelings about various people, but I also want to try to keep things vague in case someone finds my blog--Maybe you'll figure it out anyway, but I don't want you to feel bad if you think I'm talking about you, or feel jealous if you think I'm not.
So there's one woman that I like, and we had gone out once upon a time. But when I tried asking her out again, she wandered off before I could ask her. Another time, she was flirting with another guy and ignoring me, so I was like, "okay, I get it" and I moved on, and attempted to pursue and date other women.
Well, a couple years ago though in the spring, she told me that she wanted to do something together though, which put her back on my radar. But I was cautious, since I didn't know if she meant like that's just something she wanted to do, or if she meant me specifically. I invited her, and we made plans, but then she cancelled at the last minute. Later on that year, she did that thing with another guy--so I felt like she was just wanting to use me to get closer to this other guy.
I should pause for a second to note that it's not like I was just sitting around wishing that women I like would pay attention to me-- I did date and have fun. The story I'm telling is just what's frustrating me right now.
That summer, she invited me to watch fireworks. I thought it was unusual, I don't think that she had ever invited me to do something with her before, so I was excited and I made sure to be there. But she spent the time snuggling up to some other guy so yeah, it was definitely my imagination. As if to confirm my suspicions, she invited me to go camping, but she spent most the time with another guy.
Not long after that though, we spent some time alone together at a ward activity. And it wasn't just a coincidence, but she intentionally walked away from everyone else. Looking back now, I wish I had just asked her out then, just so that I could stop playing mind games with myself. But she invited me to a thing she was going to later that week, so I looked forward to that, and I decided that I would ask her out after that. Unfortunately, she ended up cancelling for that, too. I was left very confused, and not knowing what I should do.
I eventually came to decide that she was just a woman who was a good person who was nice to me, and her behavior could only be explained that she wasn't interested in me, and didn't want me to get the wrong idea. But I couldn't stop thinking about her though, I cared about her a lot. That fall, she was going out of town for a while, and I again felt like I should ask her out. She even came up to me to chat, but I couldn't think of how logistically we could go out before she left. I was frustrated with myself though for my own incompetence.
In the winter, she invited me to another thing, where we were basically guaranteed to be spending some quality time alone together. That renewed my confidence, and I told myself, "we'll have a good time together, and then no matter what happens, I'll ask her out." Well, she ended up cancelling, and I again got frustrated with myself.
I did get a renewed boost of confidence though, sometime soon after that, I was talking with the guy this woman obviously liked. It became obvious that he wasn't all that into her. At the same time, I saw a weak side to her, and I again decided I should ask her out.
That spring, she invited me to a thing, and we went together, and I was super happy about that. Some problems happened at the event, so I asked her out to dinner instead. We had a good time, but during the date, she acted like she was trying to set me up with her friend. She clearly wasn't into me, but I felt like because I actually asked her out, I can stop worrying about it, I can actually internally believe what I said earlier about she being a good person not wanting me to get the wrong idea, and I can move on.
We did other things last year, but I didn't feel confused or frustrated. Yes, I still wished things could be different, and yes, I did still think about her a lot, but I still treated her well, and I was content. I wanted to get closure, and I had it.
… Or did I? Last winter, I kind of started to think that she was acting differently towards me. Now, looking back, I don't know that she actually was, she certainly treated other guys differently than me. But compared to other women, she treated me better than most. At some point, I think I started to feel like--It's not like she actually rejected me. Sure, she acted like she wasn't interested, but maybe that was because I didn't make my own feelings clear? So I felt like I should ask her out again. So I walked up to her and... she went to talk to some other guy. Okay, clearly nothing had changed, I was just dumb.
This was the beginning of this year, and I was already in the middle of my overall plan that I mentioned earlier-- I was trying to do something social every day, knowing that being successful socially gives me confidence that I can be successful romantically.
At the same time, another woman started showing interest in me. I went out with her, and we had a good time, but I had some super anxiety leading up to the date just thinking about how I was going out with the wrong woman. Uh-oh, this could be a problem. If I expect anything to progress with her (or another woman) then I need to actually do what I wanted and ask out the woman I wanted to.
I made a plan to ask her out, no matter what the next time I saw her. And if she wasn't where I expected to see her, then I would even give her a phone call. All my self-pep-talk wasn't good enough though, because when I saw her, she was talking with the woman that was interested in me, so asking out the other woman clearly wouldn't go well. But not to let that confidence go to waste, I asked out a different woman that same day. We had a good time, and I didn't feel anxiety about this one, since I felt like I was in charge.
I found it difficult to build up my confidence again, instead of growing closer, I felt like we were growing apart. And maybe that was my own fault. She planned a couple activities, but I already had plans at the same time. But if I were socially smart, I should have said to my first plans, "sorry, something else came up, so I can't go." We had a good conversation one day, though, and I felt like I was ready again to ask her out the next time I saw her. But that was the last day before Coronavirus restrictions started, and so I was very conflicted about what I should do.
Meanwhile, I felt bad about rejecting that other woman. I was feeling pressured because of the situation I was in, and so she was giving me anxiety, but it's not like it was her fault. I didn't want her to feel bad, but... ended up making her feel bad anyway.
Meanwhile, there was another woman I like that she started acting differently towards me, too. Some relationship advice I had gotten a long time ago was to remember that whoever you are pursuing isn't your only chance at happiness. So I kind of figured that if things didn't work with this one woman, that maybe things could work with her. But we have different personalities, and I supposedly tell myself personality is the most important, and maybe I just like her because she is attractive. But then whenever she is in the same room as some other women, why is it that I like these other women more? I think I'm just interested in her because she does all the right things that I would expect of someone who likes me would do, and I like that a lot. I think I like her on an intellectual level, but my heart is stuck thinking, "yeah, but I wish so-and-so would treat me like that."
But I didn't know what to do when the pandemic began, so now I'm all alone, and it's all my own fault. So I've been stuck thinking of my past and thinking about why things didn't work with anyone I've been interested in.
In high school, I just wanted to get close to women I liked, but dating never crossed my mind. After my mission, I didn't know how to meet women until I joined the YSA ward. But then, I was too inexperienced, and didn't know how to move from first date to a relationship. There was one woman who liked me, but I didn't realize it until much later. I was just happy to have friends for a change, I had no idea that people treating me that well would actually be rare and unusual.
I knew that I just needed to date more, but each time I made plans to date a bunch--speed dating activity, online dating--I didn't get a response, and I just got more discouraged. But another time when an activity set up a bunch of dates, I just got a lot of anxiety and I shut down.
I try to make the most of a bad situation, but I do find it hard to convince myself that I could get in a relationship with a woman if she doesn't act like she even wants to be in a friendship. Other times I get discouraged thinking that I'm just shallow and only like cute girls. I worry that I objectify women and would leave someone if a more beautiful woman came along. But that's ignoring my extremely loyal nature, and how my history shows that I always remain committed. And I also feel like I there's different types of women that I find attractive, based on the dates I've been on. But then thinking about those whom I pursued long enough to get rejected (or in today's story, feel like I got rejected) … well, maybe I do have a "type."
I also worry though that even if I get in a relationship, she would just leave me. I have weird interests, and I am happy just being with her, and maybe she would find me boring, and would want to be with a guy that's more exciting. I want to make the woman I love happy, but I don't know if I am able to.
I want to be optimistic for the future, but it can be hard convincing myself things will be different. I'm also still not sure how to date in a pandemic. Everything I know about dating I have had to teach myself, and this is no different, but I feel like I have to start all over again. Maybe if I do have a "type" then I should just ask out this one woman I like. But I also keep thinking about this other woman that I don't think I realistically have a chance with. Not unless her feelings changed, but how would I find out?
Anyway, these are the struggles I'm facing right now. I think I've written enough for now, and I"m feeling better. I feel like I can stop worrying about my past, at least for now. It is what it is. Let's instead look forward to the future.
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