My girlfriend has a unique name, so like before, I'll call her "D" because I want to avoid having her students google it and give her a hard time. We dated for a year before breaking up. Even though things didn't end up the way I wanted, I feel like I've had the best year in my life so far, and I want to write about some of our experiences together.
Since we had started dating in November before the holidays, I decided it would be appropriate if I spent Thanksgiving with her family. She is the sixth of eight children, five brothers and two sisters. One lives in Texas, but the others all came for Thanksgiving. Since D and I had been friends for a long time, I've actually already met her parents and two brothers a year or two earlier, and her sister just recently. She has a ton of niblings so one a sister-in-law was worried that D hadn't properly prepared me for the mass chaos there would be. I just told D that as long as she was there, that I wasn't arriving to meet a bunch of strangers, that I would be fine. It was crazy, but I didn't think it was bad, I'm an extrovert, so I don't mind a lot of people. We sat next to one of her more easy-going and social brothers. Afterwards a group of us went to the park to play some ultimate frisbee, and we had a great time.
D had texted me a cheat sheet so that I could learn all of her family member's names. Like D, most of her family also has unusual names. And I suppose realistically, with a family that large, you need to have unusual names so that you don't have people with the same name. I referred to the cheat sheet all the time. I have a hard time with names, and that helped a lot, I used that the entire time we dated. D had higher expectations though, and she felt like I didn't care about her family. Later on, she told me that she remembered that when I accepted her Thanksgiving invitation, I said it will be good for "them to meet me" instead of for "me to meet them." I think that's just the way I talk, because obviously meeting someone is a two-way street, right? Then again, I suppose you would say, "I met <celebrity>" and not "<celebrity> met me" because it shows who is more interested in the meeting. Or maybe I just expect moms to want to meet who their children are dating far more than the reverse.
Added to that, she said that she noticed that when I talked to her family, they asked me lots of questions, but I didn't ask any in return. That one I can say is due to my lack of social skills. I remember feeling frustrated with myself over a decade ago for not asking a woman I was pursuing questions about herself. I've improved a lot socially since then, but that's an area I clearly still lack in. I think my personality style is that I find all the "what do you do?" type questions boring and prefer to talk about what is going on around us right now. I don't mean to make people think I don't care, but I guess I've never felt like people asking me small-talk questions shows me they care about me.
A few days after Thanksgiving, we talked about the history of our friendship, and specifically how started to like each other. It was pretty interesting, because I felt like she liked me for a long time and I felt bad for neglecting her. I think I wrote in my last year's post how I came to be attracted to her, but for her it was a different story. D didn't remember when we first met, her earliest memory is coming to my game night. She actually came because it was an excuse to end a date early. But when she arrived, she was the first one there. I was feeling down because no one had arrived yet, so I was happy she came. (Since that time, people have been showing up on time, but at the time, it was rough.) I wanted to make sure she had fun, so we started playing 7 Wonders: Duel. She felt embarrassed because when people did arrive, we were playing together, and she was worried that it looked like we were together. I didn't think anything of it, and playing Duel while waiting for others to finally arrive was a normal thing at the time.
She misremembered our second date as our first. I was taught that it is the man's responsibility to plan the date. The men in D's family were taught that when you plan the date to give the women choices. So for our second date when I said the plan was to go to dinner up in Logan, and she said, "you know, there are places to eat here in Brigham" it was because she was saying that she wanted to have dinner in Brigham City. I told her that the drive was part of the date—we had been on road trips before, and I thought it would be a nice romantic touch.
Speaking of road trips, we had gone out to St. George and Colorado the previous year. She was in the same car as me for Colorado, and she kind of liked it. However, that changed when we were camping because she felt like I was so inconsiderate and unhelpful. When they set up the tent, no one asked me to help, so I just stayed out of the way and took pictures of the camp. When they were cooking, me and another girl went to take pictures of deer. I didn't help with dishes either. At the end of the trip, D remembered that I didn't do dishes and that I didn't help clean up at our St. George trip either. She had thought that I never helped, but later learned that I'm not against helping, it's just that no one ever asked me to help. Part of it was that in a way, my way of helping is just staying out of the way, but someone who wants help isn't going to see it that way.
One of the days in Colorado, we went to the temple. I changed my clothes and was ready to go, but (in my opinion) everyone was just being slow. However, what no one had told me was that we needed to pack up camp before leaving, and I didn't realize until too late. Since I had changed, I didn't want to get dirty, and so wasn't able to help. And so D didn't see a poor guy who didn't know what was going on, but a guy who refused to help. So on the drive back home, she didn't go in my car, she swapped with another guy so she could complain about me instead.
She said that her opinion of me changed when we went backpacking into the Grand Canyon together. We drove down to Arizona together, alone because a couple people dropped out at the last minute. She was going to see about swapping cars on the way up, but during the trip, she changed her mind. At the bottom, she was super impressed when I did all the dishes. She remembered me doing them every day, but I remember that I just did them all the first day, and when I went to do them the second day, some people felt guilty and came to help. Normally when I'm backpacking, everyone just takes care of themselves, but here, we had a group dinner. Someone (and I think it was actually D) said that since they cooked that I should do the dishes. I thought that was fair, and so I did. So that was when she learned that it wasn't that I never helped, and that if someone just asks me to, then I'll do anything.
I do recall some times where she seemed to be interested in me before then, and in some different conversation she said it may have started before the Grand Canyon trip, but I would say it's probably accurate to say that that's when she understood me better, that the main fault she saw in me was really just a misunderstanding. I'm not an observant person, so I told her that I would do a better job of just asking "how can I help?"
Between Thanksgiving and Christmas, we mostly went on dates to go see Christmas lights. We went to the lights in Layton and Temple Square. We went with D's friends to Luminaria at Thanksgiving Point. We went with her family to Christmas Village in Ogden. That was one of her parent's first dates, and so they like to celebrate by going as a family every year. I saw more of her family all the time. I helped calk her bathroom/laundry room, and her brothers came the next day to help put up a cupboard.
One date that wasn't to Christmas lights, we went and saw Encanto. We both really enjoyed it, and D felt like she could really relate. She has an amazing family who is good at so many things, and she often feels like she can't measure up. So she really loved the message it shared, since it hit so close to home.
The first Saturday in December, we went with a group of friends to do sealings. Which might seem strange for someone recently dating, but we went to the temple together as friends, so I didn't think it was a big deal. Afterwards, we went to a restaurant and since there was a wait, we went over to a store. D and her friend talked about planning a trip to Glacier, and I tried on some jackets.
The next day, her family had a big day at the ranch, they were loading up sheep to truck out to the west desert for the winter. D had invited me, but it was early morning on a Sunday, so I declined. But later on, I felt guilty about it, that I was neglecting D and that I should have gone to make her feel special. But while she was gone, I secretly went to her place and weeded some of the puncture vines from her driveway. I texted her my feelings to apologize, and so the next day when we got together, we went on a walk around the temple and talked about it. I was right, she really did want me there, but after my message she was worried about my feelings of insecurity, so she reassured me. Later on, I would learn that her attitude towards the ranch is similar to my feelings toward our family's monthly birthday celebrations.
Later in the month, my insecurities showed again while we were shopping together. I don't remember how it came up, but I mentioned that I would like to get a new journal, but I felt like they didn't sell anything I like. D was determined to prove me wrong, and so we went to several stores, but I still didn't see anything I liked. D moved on to do regular shopping, but didn't tell me to not worry about it, and so I was just feeling frustrated and incompetent that I couldn't do some basic shopping. We stopped and talked about it, and she made me feel better.
In later months, she helped me shop for a chair, a jacket, a garage door opener and a new front door. I think she got the wrong idea that I hate shopping, or that I hate spending money. But the reality is that I just don't know how to shop for things I've never bought before. Or in the case of a journal or a jacket, I just don't like the things that I see. I doubt she remembers this, but I remember a time several years ago at a ward campout near Bear Lake, I talked with her about a frustration I had about not knowing how to get into a relationship. I tried to use analogies, but she just didn't get it. After these experiences it makes sense to me. D has a real skill for going out and figuring it out, not knowing how to do something has never been an impediment for her.
D's birthday was on December 7th. Even before we were dating, I felt like she would really like a board game, Just One, so I thought about getting it for her birthday. The problem is that it is a party game, and I thought to myself, wouldn't it make more sense to get her something that the two of us would enjoy together? At a recent NUGG night, I played a game called Cross Clues, and it reminded me of Code Names, and I thought she would really like that, so I got that for her.
When Christmas came around, I again thought of getting Just One anyway. But then I was like, "do I really just give D board games?" And well, I guess that's what I often do with my family. It's hard to know what someone might like if I don't even know if the thing I'm giving is even good or not. But I know games. Actually, I remembered that she likes puzzles, and I saw one with a picture of Jesus with a sheep. It didn't have a lot of pieces though, and so I was questioning if that was really good enough for D. But after thinking about it, I realized that I could get her more than one present, so I got her both.
I was secretly hoping that because I spent Thanksgiving with her family, that that would mean she would spend Christmas with mine. She felt like she could do both, but we started without her, so by the time she arrived at my parents' house, we had all finished opening presents. So she and I opened our presents, and I guess she felt a little awkward with everyone watching, but I was just happy she made it. She got me a card game, an Alexa Dot, and my favorite, a throw blanket.
We both had the week after Christmas off. She had expressed a concern that we were always spending time with her family and I wasn't spending time with mine. I had thought about it, and came up with a plan: we should discuss what we would do if we were single, and then make our plans for the week based on that, combining how best we could. We generally continued this way of planning while we were dating. But thinking about it now, I think when we made plans, I treated it as a "make suggestions, then make fixed plans" and she treated it as "if I'm suggesting it, that's what I really want, and so we'll do it." These different perspectives led to miscommunications at times.
Anyway, her family has a tradition of showing their presents to each other and naming who gave them, so the week after, I spent a lot of time with her traveling with her to her siblings' homes to visit and to see what they got. I normally like to play games with my family if I can, so we scheduled time to spend with my sisters too. At Carol's house, Dad was there helping remove some shelves to get ready to put in her new fridge. D felt alarmed and guilty that we would just be playing games while Dad was working, but Dad felt the opposite, he was worried about bothering us while we were playing.
At another time, D told me that when she first had a boyfriend and she visited his family, the concept of just visiting was a foreign concept to her. With the way that she was raised to be a hard-worker, there was always a purpose to visiting someone, usually to work. So the idea that you could just go and visit without helping or anything just didn't make sense. She has learned a lot, but that's still the kind of attitude she has.
New Year's Eve, D sacrificed her tradition so she could follow mine, a friend likes to play board games and I like going. D had met two of my board game friends on a double date where we played Catan a few weeks previous, and she was able to meet my other friends at this party. We all laughed and had fun, and I think she got to see why I liked spending time with them.
In January, we went on dates to the Clarke Planetarium, the Ogden rodeo, the Midway Ice Castles, and Hardware Ranch. D is a math teacher, and so she often writes story problems about her boyfriend "Bobby". Normally, it is just pretend, but this year, she used some real stories and one of the ones that got the most conversation was one with our date to the Ice Castles:
Bobby McBobby has budgeted $60 to take Miss F_____ on a date. Tickets to the Ice Castles are $22 each. He wants to buy her dinner. What is the maximum he can spend on dinner for each of them and stay under budget?
She got several different answers, but what was really funny were the comments from students saying that that was a cheap date and that Bobby would have to take her to McDonald's! I enjoyed hearing her stories about Bobby throughout the year. Students would begin to suspect that Bobby was real, and they would debate about it. But when students asked her directly if Bobby were real or imaginary, D would just answer, "I imagine he's real."
D had a goal for the new year to do better with Come Follow Me, and that we should study it together. I thought that was a great idea. We started out strong, but then we got sporadic and by the summertime we kind of stopped. Looking back, I think she wanted it as a nice Sunday activity, but my normal Sunday activity was to visit family, and I was thinking more of an Monday evening activity for like an FHE. She is also far more assertive than I am, so whenever I suggested it, we would end up doing something else, so we only ever did it if she suggested it.
We both got our vaccine boosters for SARS-CoV-2. I felt ill the next day, so when D got hers, I brought her some peaches and beef stew the next day if she was also feeling ill. But, no, she was fine. We had started a giant puzzle, and so we spent time working on that together. I like looking for the right piece, but she is more systematic (and successful) than me—after sorting the colors she just goes in and tries every combination. It was a big puzzle, so it took several days/few weeks to get finished.
A couple weeks later she actually got sick, so I brought her peaches and stew again, but she told me she didn't want any. Later on, she told me that she was confused the first time I brought stuff and didn't do anything, but since she was feeling fine, I didn't think she wanted it. And given that she didn't want any even when she was feeling sick, it seems I was right. I suppose when I'm feeling sick, I always wish someone could take care of me and expected she would want the same. I asked her what she really wanted, and she named some things, and they were the types of things I do for her normally when she's healthy. I don't know that it was the right message, but the message I received was to treat her like normal.
In preparation for February, we made some Valentines chains to give to people we minister to. It was a tradition of hers to put together 14 candies and then you can eat one each day leading up to the holiday. So we made a ton, and I took some and my ministering companion and I took them to people or left them on their door.
I was nervous about Valentine's Day. D felt like Valentine's Day gives men too much stress and wanted to do something simple. But at the same time, I wanted to make sure she felt special. About a week before, I decided to buy flowers and then bring them to her at work. I drove up during my lunch break and found my way to the office. I talked to one of the office ladies there. She asked if I wanted to wait and I could give them do D myself, but I my adrenaline was high and I wanted to run away, I felt like I didn't belong there and had to get out fast. She eventually got her flowers, and I think she appreciated it.
D told me that for Valentine's Day she felt like baking cookies and delivering them to people. I didn't realize at first that she meant that's really what she wanted to do, not just a suggestion. But luckily she clarified before then, so that's what we did. At work, she had lunch delivered to me, and I really liked that. After work, I picked her up and after she was sure she had her baking supplies, I took her to my house for a candlelight dinner. Then we baked cookies and took them to several people in the area.
D also surprised me with a present. She was upset that I ruined the surprise by looking through her box of cooking supplies—I was trying to make sure she had everything she needed—and I saw the wrapped present, but I actually totally forgot about it as I had other things on my mind. It was Stratego, and we played a game. She lost and got really upset, saying "now I remember why I don't play this game." She is very competitive and gets upset when she loses. I think she would be more upset if I let her win, but I don't know how to do that anyway.
Eventually, it came time for her to leave, and afterwards, I saw that she had left me some positive messages that she had written on my mirror. I didn't erase it for a long time. D always did a great job of reassuring me and pointing out and complimenting me on my positive attributes.
A few days later, I was at her house, and we played a game of Battle Sheep. I made a move and she said, "I just lost." I told her to not worry, that she could turn it around and that made her really mad and she yelled at me, "don't patronize me!" I was really hurt, I had no idea what she was talking about. We talked about it and I learned that when she says she lost, she isn't feeling discouraged, she is just stating facts. She learned about me that when I try to encourage people, I'm being sincere and have no idea what will happen next. In her family, they are used to keeping track of who has what cards and knowing what people will do and resigning like a chess master when they recognize that they are going to lose.
That was probably the only time I was worried about breaking up until the time we did break up. But then I thought that breaking up over one small fight is silly. D gets upset far more easily than I do, but she also gets things resolved. We talked about it like adults, we learned things about one another, and we were able to move forward. I remember that the day in November when I asked D to be my girlfriend, earlier that day I met up with her at the repair store, she had a flat tire or something. We went on a walk to the park and she talked about all the crazy things at work that was troubling her, and she remarked that I am good at listening and that I have a good calming effect on her. And that's a sentiment she repeated several times.
Speaking of board games, the board game convention was the first weekend in March. I let D know, but as far as whether she wanted to come or not, I left that to her. The way my personality is, I didn't want her to feel obligated because I wanted her to come. But the way her personality is, she didn't want to come if I didn't want her there, and because I wasn't being direct, she didn't feel like I wanted her to come. But as the day approached, I found I really did want her to come. Several years ago, I recognized that I have weird interests and hobbies, and so I just kind of accepted that when I got in a relationship, I would need to find other common interests. But... it's kind of nice when someone is interested in some of the things you are interested in. Anyway, I told her that I would like her to come, and I offered to buy her ticket for her. She accepted the invitation, but she said she would buy her own ticket.
She came on Friday and Saturday. She told me later that she didn't have fun the first day because she lost every game and was feeling frustrated. (She didn't count the cooperative games that we played and won.) But the second day, she felt like she had more success. She observed that I like learning and playing a bunch of new games, but she likes learning one game and mastering it before moving on. At another time, she complimented me on how quickly I can pick up on the strategy of a new game, but I was envious of D, because I felt like she obviously understood strategy far better than me. That just upset her though, because she felt like I was saying I won against her out of luck. I think it was more that I was doing things she didn't expect, and so went against her normal strategy. Someone at NUGG complimented me on the same thing the following week, so I guess I have to accept it. As I've thought about it since, I feel like the way I play games I don't really calculate everything out, but just focus on the next single move or two, and have a feel for what is a better position.
Anyway, maybe I don't really want to get into all the details of our relationship here, but I just need to write my feelings down. But I will say that by this time, we had told each other that we loved each other, and that we were having serious conversations where we discussed our hopes and our fears. We went on other dates and spent more time together.
D went walking with me on the Salt Flats for my birthday, and afterwards went to my parents house where she gave me several presents. Afterwards, she felt that she understood me better, that gifts really aren't a priority in my world. Sandy was the only other person to give me a present, and I didn't think anything of it. Quality time really is my love language—because what did I want for my birthday? To spend the day with D, and to visit with my family. I'm something of a minimalist and am pretty content with the things I already own. That being said, I did really appreciate all the things she gave me. And looking back, I wish I had done more for her. I said earlier that acts of service is her love language, but I later learned that gift giving is also right up there.
Well, I suppose I did offer to buy her things, but she didn't want to be the girlfriend who just used me for my checkbook, and so she would pay me back or just refuse. One of my flaws that she observed that I hadn't noticed in myself is that I talk myself out of things all the time. As an example, I once brought ingredients to D's house to make stir-fry after church, but we were invited to dinner with a friend, so I never mentioned it to her. I thought it would be fun to take her dress shopping, she could try on things and I could tell her she was beautiful, but she felt like I would hate it and since I suggested it half-jokingly, she didn't take the suggestion seriously. I also think if she lived closer and I thought she would be at home and not busy, I would have been more likely to just stop by her house. I sure thought about it a lot, but I never did.
But really, over all, I was oblivious. On a couple times, she pointed out that she was dropping hints, but I didn't notice. Well, I noticed what she said, but didn't realize it was supposed to be a hint. I'm a very literally-minded person, and so I don't do well with this sort of indirect communication. Which isn't to say either of us were wrong, it's just one of many examples of how our personalities were different and why our relationship ended up not working out.
During the summer, we went on several camping trips. I did things with her for the sheep ranch. She came with my family vacation, I went camping at her family reunion, we went together to Glacier National Park, and later to Great Basin National Park. We both love the outdoors, and it was great spending time together out there enjoying everything.
The way she had talked about how high-stress things can be at the ranch, that made me really worried about getting in the way or upsetting her dad. As it turned out, D was the only one to get upset with me, once or twice, and it was because she asked me to do something that I had no idea how to do. Overall, I had a nice experience, but I feel like she didn't believe me.
She learned a lot from camping with my family, how we normally cook so that we don't have many dishes and so that's why I never had "help wash dishes" as an expectation while camping. I would often be busy entertaining my niblings—that was how I helped—so that meant I didn't usually help with preparing dinner. I helped Carol set up her tent, and helped my parents with the tent trailer, and I helped for dinner once, and it was because they asked for my help. D and I went on a walk together one day, and the next day we took the niblings with us. She is really good with kids and she and I grew closer together.
At her reunion, I wanted to show I could help by helping set up her new tent. But one of the poles broke, and I felt really bad because of it. But she had her old tent, too, it just meant that we couldn't use that one for Glacier like we were planning. I also drove her car, so she could get some things done. We were going to switch when we got to dirt roads, but I forgot. I had trouble using her unfamiliar car on unfamiliar roads, it was pretty bad. I told her we could still switch if she wanted, but she turned down the offer even though she didn't like how poorly I was driving. She later told me that she was upset that I never wore one of the new t-shirts she got me, but I pointed out that I wore it at the board game convention and at the reunion. She explained that in her mind, camping is where you wear the clothes you don't like. To me, I just don't normally wear t-shirts and so camping is a great excuse. I thought I was being supportive. She had told all her niblings to wear the sheep shirts they had received for Christmas for a family photo. I wasn't sure what might be expected of me, so I thought the shirt she gave me would be appropriate. Anyway, the photo was just of the niblings, so there were no possible expectations from me, but I also never explained my thought process to her.
The campout overall was a positive experience though. I finally got to meet her sister from Texas, and had lots of fun getting to know her family better. Afterwards, I was with her at her parent's house and I felt at peace with her, and it was then that I felt like I was ready to marry her. I knew she wasn't ready yet. Every time I would discuss it, she would focus on our differences and the problems we would have, but I tried to reassure her, and I was patient with her.
We had a lot of fun at Glacier too. But again, I just have to write about a few incidents that could have gone better. D is a great cook, and she made plans for breakfast and dinner every day. Unfortunately, the first two breakfasts didn't go well. She didn't have eggs like she wanted the first day and so had to use powdered eggs which aren't as good. I never criticized them until after she did, but she got offended, and I should've kept it to myself. The next day she made oatmeal, and she had also brought instant oatmeal. She had intended the instant oatmeal to be for those who woke up later, but I had thought she was being thoughtful to me, knowing I didn't like quick oats. But I set a bad example, and others had instant oatmeal, too, and that made her feel bad, she felt like she couldn't make something I liked. Those were the only two flukes though, everything else she made was delicious.
Another cultural difference is that with my family camping, we normally just have cold cereal or instant oatmeal. The first person awake heats some water, and as people wake up, they help themselves. What D is used to is a cooked breakfast that everyone eats together. That also meant that we prayed together. It took a couple days for me to realize that's what she wanted. I think that part of it was when she offered hot chocolate while we waited for cooking to get done. I consider hot chocolate as part of the breakfast, so I think my habits were reinforced because if we were going to pray for breakfast, it should have been before the hot chocolate.
But I learned—at home, even by myself, I pray over cooked meals, including breakfast. It was just different for me camping to have a cooked breakfast, and when I'm in social groups, I try my best to copy what other people are doing. One of our friends though one day started eating, and D got upset, saying that we needed to pray first. She saw him eating again, and she got really angry, and he was like, "oh, don't worry I prayed." I understood what had happened, and I explained that we wanted to pray together as a group. I helped calm D down, and explained his thought process.
After church on Sunday, we wanted to keep things relaxed. D and I went on a short hike with one of the other guys in our group to a waterfall. He went on to Sun Point and D asked me if I wanted to as well. I thought it sounded like a nice walk to a nice overlook, and I really enjoyed it and thought it was romantic. At the end, there was a couple getting wedding photos there, so I wasn't wrong. But D had expected me to say no, and wanted to stay at the waterfall, that we could be alone together and it would be romantic there. Like I said, though, I think the adventure that we did have was a good one. I just remember it though as a time where D expected me to do something, she didn't communicate what she wanted, and so she didn't get what she wanted.
We had lots of good adventures too, though. We went on several hikes, and she observed that I was always hanging out at the back, making sure that everyone was okay, and she liked that. We spent a lot of time together, hiking, walking, driving, and time out on the water. One of the days, she observed that I had made attempts at affection with her using all five love languages, and she had rejected each of them. She apologized and we grew closer together.
I had invited D to the End of Summer SaltCON, when tickets went on sale immediately following the Spring SaltCON in March. I wanted to be sure she could get tickets this time before prices went up. But she said that her family would be doing ranch stuff that day. I had already bought my own ticket, I hadn't thought about how that might be a thing. The night before the game convention, we had a date night to Rusted Spoon and Top Gun: Maverick. She asked if I was going to invite her to SaltCON. I told her that I did, and that she said she would be busy. She said that the Ranch stuff got delayed, but I said that tickets were sold out. She surprised me by letting me know that she had bought tickets earlier. I was really glad she could make it. One of the days though, she didn't want me to wait for her, but I got stuck in a game for far too long. I figured it might happen, but it was way longer than I expected, and emphasized why I just wanted to wait for her. She was worried about cramping my style and taking me away from games I'd normally play... but I'd rather play with her than strangers. Or even my friends.
I think we got to know each other extremely well. I understood her more than anyone I know. But that is no substitute for communication. D told me early on that I have to let he know how I feel, that I shouldn't just ignore my own feelings. For me though, it sits at a subconscious level that I'm not really aware of. Looking back now when I can think more clearly, I think I let her get away with a bunch. For example, the entire time we were dating, whenever someone would talk about us dating, she would feign confusion, "we're dating?" I know she was just joking around, but still.... Before we were dating, I would have expected she to be the one who likes public displays of affection (PDA) and me to be more shy, but actually it was the reverse. I wanted everyone to know how I felt about D, and I suppose subconsciously it hurt my pride that she didn't feel the same way.
Another thing I didn't like was that whenever I complimented her, she would look around saying "who are you talking to?" Writing this now, I remember that her previous boyfriend said some harsh words about her appearance. I feel guilty about some of the things I said too, I'm not very good at expressing what I really think. I try to be honest, but I don't always say the right things. The irony is that I probably let her get away with stuff that subconsciously bothered me simply because I think she is beautiful. Even before we started dating, I knew our personalities were different, and I was worried that the only reason I liked her was because of how attractive she is. No, she is not a supermodel, but I would describe her as a "girl next door" which is a type of woman I'm attracted to. D told me that before we started dating, some women asked D about me, so after we started dating she was jealous of them. D also was aware of some of the women that I was pursuing before her, and she was jealous of them too. However, I don't think she was aware of the women I had pursued with a similar body type as her. And more importantly, I don't think she realized that there are reasons I chose to pursue her over them. There is no reason she should feel anything less than my number one, but I struggled to help her feel that way.
Ever since Valentines Day, I had wanted to write D a love letter, telling her how I felt. At the time, though, I felt inadequate to describe my feelings. As I thought about the reasons I liked her, I thought about all the reasons she was better than other women I was interested in. I wanted to be sure to write in terms of who she is as a woman, and not in selfish terms of what she offers me in a relationship. In August, I was able to write and send the letter. She never mentioned it, though, so I'm not sure if she ever received it.
On Tuesday, September 13th, I talked with D after playing ultimate frisbee. We were originally going to have a date that Thursday, but I knew that Wednesday would work better for her. My plans had fallen through that day, so we talked about moving it up a day. Later in our conversation, she asked how my sister Sandy was doing—D hadn't been able to come to Family Home Evening that week, and Sandy was going to teach the lesson. However, she was sick and didn't make it. When D asked me how she was doing, I admitted that I didn't know. D was always criticizing me for not being very good at talking with my family, and she had said in the past that she was worried about making Sandy feel like she was taking me away from her. So I came up with a plan that I could see whether Wednesday or Thursday would work better for Sandy, and that we would have our date night on the other night.
I didn't know how to convey that in a text to Sandy—D is right, I'm not very good at communicating, and it's true that I often don't know how to talk to my own family. But Sandy actually texted me first, inviting me over, so I texted D saying that it looks like Wednesday was better and we could stick to our original Thursday night date. Unfortunately that was a mistake. I had thought we had communicated the plan really well the previous night, but either I didn't or D had forgotten that part of our conversation and she was planning on a date that night and she felt like I stood her up. She called me to see what was going on. She hid her feelings, but at the end, she said that I should have let her know before she did her hair. After she said that, I realized she was probably upset. After I went home, I wanted to talk to her, but she ignored my text.
The next day, I wanted to go on a date as originally planned, but D was still being cold to me. But we finally talked and made arrangements to go to her sister's house. We just spent the evening there, and we didn't have our date. But we talked about it, and she said she was really mad at me and she just cleaned her house out of frustration. I apologized. But I think this was sort of the beginning of the end for us. Her being mad made me more timid, not wanting to upset her. But she likes it when I am more assertive, and being timid I am more likely to talk myself out of things, so I would actually be more likely to make her upset. It was a bad feedback loop, and I didn't realize it until after mid-October as I thought about what was going wrong.
We had made plans to go babysit some of her niblings on Thursday, October 6th. She texted me though saying that she wasn't feeling good, and took the day off. I texted back saying I was sorry to hear that, and to rest well, and I hoped she would feel better.
On Friday, I was worried about her, so I texted during work saying that I hoped she was doing all right. She replied back, but didn't answer how she was feeling, so I was a little frustrated. After work, I was having a game night, and I was hoping she would be able to make it. I figured she would tell me later if she was coming or not.
After work, as I was cleaning and getting things ready, she finally said that she had spent the entire day at the doctor's and she found out she had appendicitis. She said that she would be going into emergency surgery, but hoped that I would have a fun game night.
I started panicking, appendicitis isn't a light thing. I wanted to be there for her, but her message implied that she didn't want me to cancel game night. And that was in line with what she had said earlier, she had felt bad that I had to change game night plans for her a couple times already because she wanted to have a game night instead, but then she ended up not having one. Plus, I felt like if she wanted me there, then she would have let me know sooner how bad she was feeling, and to let me know what hospital she was at. Instead, I felt like she was hiding from me. I still didn't know what she wanted, so I asked her to let me know what I could do for her. She eventually replied that she just wanted to keep it on the down low.
I got the impression that she was putting on a strong face and didn't want me or anyone else to worry about her. So if that's what she wanted, I could do that. She wanted me to have fun at my party, but I couldn't have fun at all knowing she was in the hospital and I wasn't there. Unknown to me, she did want me to come visit her, like a Hallmark love interest. She didn't realize that as a city boy, I had no idea that there was a hospital in Brigham City and that there was only one. So she expected I would just show up at the correct hospital. She also had taken when I had asked what I could do for her as a platitude, just a thing people say but don't mean. But I don't say things I don't mean (unless I'm joking) and asking people how I can help is something I learned at the very beginning of our relationship, because I don't know how to help.
The game night ended after midnight, and so I figured D would want her rest. The next day, I wanted to call her and see how she was doing, and if she wanted me to visit. But I didn't know what to say, my adrenaline rush from the day before was over, and I was just nervous. Eventually I called, and she said that she was home, her Mom was taking care of her. Even though I wanted to let her rest, she said that her family and ward members kept calling her and waking her up because she was hoping I would finally call. I apologized and made plans to come up to her house. She had said people gave her flowers, I knew she didn't like peaches, so I bought some strawberries. But when I arrived, someone else had already given her an even bigger package of strawberries. I just can't win.
She asked if it ever crossed my mind to go visit her at the hospital, and I said, "of course it did" which led to us learning the things above. I don't think she ever believed that I really wanted to be there, because over the next month, she kept bringing it up and criticizing me that I should have known. All I could do was apologize though. I did know I should've been there, so I felt really bad that I wasn't. I could have asked what hospital she was in. She could have called me. But I was being timid and had talked myself out of doing what I wanted because I had the mistaken impression that that's what she wanted. I think she felt like I wasn't treating her as a priority, but I showed her my phone, that she is literally the only person I almost ever call, and she was surprised to learn that.
These are the things we talked about, and soon after I came to the awareness that me being timid is what caused it. As I focused more on doing what I wanted and acting with confidence, our relationship greatly improved. I surprised her one day showing up to her house before her ward's trunk-or-treat with a batch of cookies instead of going to a game night on time. In all the time we've been dating, I've never seen her so happy.
Things were looking very positive for our relationship, and she was less concerned about marriage. In the past, whenever I said that we could make it work, she would ask, "we could make it work, but should we make it work?" I knew it would be hard, but I felt that our differences were complementary, that I would be able to help her where she is weak, and she would be able to help me where I am weak.
Anyway, D and I were talking about marriage as a real possibility now, so on Wednesday, November 2nd I contacted D's mom and asked if I could come over to meet with D's dad. After work, we got together and chatted. Her mom said the timing was perfect, everyone else had left, so it was just the three of us. I asked her father for his blessing, and he gave it. He also told me that I was braver than he ever was. He also told me that of all his children, D was the most spiritual.
The next day, I tried to get D's finger size, but she had me wait till the day after and I borrowed a couple of her rings. Saturday I went to Kay's to order an engagement ring. It would take a couple weeks to arrive, and I hoped it would arrive before her family got together for their 50th wedding anniversary celebration, then I could propose beforehand. My plan was to buy flowers on Monday, and then on the Thursday before (or earlier if the ring arrived earlier than the estimated date) we could go do something romantic even if simple and then I could propose to her.
However, on the evening of Sunday, November 13th, she got upset with me, which led to a serious conversation. A lot of her previous concerns came back and I wasn't able to reassure her. Monday, I wasn't sure I should go through with my plan to buy flowers, because now they would look like "apology" flowers instead of "I love you and I think you are special" flowers. But I decided that I shouldn't let my anxiety talk me out of what I wanted to do, and so I did it anyway. My heart was racing all day. I wanted to surprise her, but that would be useless if she weren't home. So I decided to call her when I was close to arriving, but her phone was off.
She was there when I arrived, and I helped her do some Relief Society stuff. When we got to talking serious, she said that up until I arrived, she had been thinking all day that we should break up. I apologized and told her how I felt. But at the same time, I felt like if she wanted to break up with me, then I would understand. She didn't want to jump on an emotional decision and then change her mind the next day. So she said that she would give it a week, and we could meet then and she would give me her answer.
The next day, the ring arrived. I asked my dad to come and give me a blessing, and I told him all the details. During all the free time I had that week, I uploaded all my pictures of D to Facebook, because I knew I wouldn't be able to handle it afterwards if we broke up. My heart was racing all week, but on Saturday, I went to the temple, and then I was at peace. As I prayed, I knew I still wanted to marry D, but even if we broke up, I knew that I would be okay.
The following Tuesday, we got back together to talk. I had my ring in one pocket as an emblem of hope, and her old rings and hairbands in another, because I think I knew how it would turn out. I was too emotional, and had to talk about other things first. But when the time came, I told her how I felt. She told me that as she thought about it, it wasn't really anything that I said or did, she felt like our different personalities would drive a wedge between us, and we would eventually resent each other.
While I had only talked to my dad, sister, brother-in-law, and coworker about having troubles, D's Relief Society was expecting to see me help at an activity, so they asked D where I was. And likewise, she had to tell her family why I wasn't there. Her niblings loved me, so she left the job of telling them about me to their parents.
She said that with her past boyfriends, when she broke up, her family said how they really felt about them, all the negative things they had held back. She said with me, her family only had good things to say, and they were worried about how I was doing. D was worried too, she knows that I blame myself easily, and she was praying that I could be at peace. She also knew that I don't have the kind of support group that she has, so she hoped that I could spend lots of time with friends.
We both agreed that we would like to stay friends. She kept being friends with her ex-boyfriends, but the difference with me is that we have a ton of mutual friends, and so we will be seeing each other often. She said that she would let some people know that it was okay to invite both of us, in case they were worried about it being awkward. She said that she would stay away from activities in Ogden for a while, through December to give me time.
I'm sad and I miss her. I haven't talked to her since, and it is now January and I am feeling well enough to write all these things down all this week. D did a good job reassuring me that it wasn't my fault, so I'm not depressed. I'm just sad. To be sure, there are things I wish I did differently, but I'm taking a healthy attitude. I caught the coronavirus, so I missed Thanksgiving and that was a rough week. But I since have been able to see a few friends who have helped me.
I was able to return the ring I had bought. Although things didn't turn out the way I wanted, I don't regret any of our experiences together. I will never forget the time we spent together. We both learned a lot about ourselves, and I hope we are each more prepared in the future.
I know D is not my only chance for happiness. I have always felt that soul mates are made, not found. There will be someone whose personality matches mine, and we will be able to make it work. I still need time, but I know that I'll be okay.
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