Is it okay for women to ask out men?

Over the course of the last year, I've been asked several times about my feelings on women asking out men.  Each time, I think I kind of gave a flippant answer.  After putting some thought into it, I want to share my real answer.

Tired of waiting for your Prince Charming?

In western societies where dating exists, it is traditionally the man that asks the women on dates.  Unfortunately, due to likely a myriad of reasons, a lot of men aren't asking.  And that is leaving a lot of women at home staring at their phones wondering what to do with themselves.  Sometimes, it seems, if a girl is going to get a date, she has got to take matters into her own hands.



First, let's take a look at some of the reasons the guy you want to ask you out is not:

1. He is not interested, or he's dating someone else.
2. He is interested, but he either assumes you aren't interested or are dating someone else.
3. He is interested, but he's really shy and so won't ask you out.
4. He is clueless to the world around him.

There's probably other reasons, but I figure these are the most common.  The next step is to figure out what his reason is.  This isn't always easy.  For myself, I know I've hit on each of these with my associations with different women.  Sometimes even all four with the same woman over time.  So how do you tell?  Easiest way is to just ask him, but I'm pretty sure that's what I'm addressing in this blog post.

Okay, there is no simple answer, but let's pretend that you already know his reason.  Probably should just leave #1 alone.  But don't burn your bridges there, because feelings and situations change over time.  But for now, probably best to just be friends.  So lets look what you can do with the others.

If you are still waiting for your Knight in Shining Armor,
maybe it is because he is waiting for his
Transdimensional Princess on a Unicorn

As I understand it, the normal way for a girl to let a guy know that she is interested is to flirt with the guy.  Laugh together, smile, have fun.  This might be all you need with #2, because he should learn that his assumptions are wrong.  It won't work with #4, because flirting is too subtle for the clueless.  It might help #3 if flirting makes him more comfortable around you, but it just might make him develop a crush that he won't act upon.

So my initial thought is that if you want to go out and the guy is too clueless or too shy, that's when you need to be the one to ask him out.  However, I know many women that are only attracted to manly guys -- they take charge, they have a plan and they know where they are going.  This goes for the guys too, a lot of guys, even shy and clueless guys want to impress the ladies and don't want to come off looking lame.  ('Course if you just want to go out as friends, not to develop a relationship, then this isn't really a problem.)  Anyway, I'm not saying this is true for all men and women, just that I have seen this.  And in those situations, wouldn't asking the guy out immediately decrease their attraction for each other?  Catch-22, it seems.

But there is another way.  However, it requires a third person.  If the boy and girl have a mutual friend, they can act as a neutral third party to get an unbiased view on the feelings of the two.  A girl's friend can go up to #2, #3, or #4, and say, "Say, I think Betty really likes you.  You should ask her out!"  #2 will realize that his assumptions were wrong and go ask her out.  #3 might get nervous, but this might be the courage that he needs.  #4 will say, "You know what?  That's a great idea!  Why didn't I think of that?"

This also works for guys too.  Don't know if she's interested or has a boyfriend, and you don't want to just ask her and find out?  Ask a mutual friend!  Getting that third party isn't always easy, so you might still have to just ask him out yourself.  In the meanwhile, look for opportunities for yourself to be that third friend, and hopefully they will return the favor when you need it.  Don't be a gossip though.  Keep your conversations confined and grounded in truth.

So, in summary:  While I think it is unfortunate, I think sometimes women have to ask men out.  In certain circumstances, I think this is okay.  But I do think it's better when the man asks the woman out.  This may become possible if the woman delivers information via a mutual friend.  Everyone is happy, the guy manned up, and now dates for everyone!

Image Credits: drawings by Sandra Law.